This week we’re talking to Monogamish Pod superfan Vanilla Rose (Hey Vee!) about her journey in non-monogamy and about aromanticism. We also briefly cover Somerville, Mass. legally recognising non-monogamous relationships because we realise we did not talk about it at all before.
HERE is a post about Somerville and the amazing thing they did. Really can’t believe we did not discuss this on the show before but honestly, there has been SO MANY THINGS going on. Whew. Happy to have slid it in to this episode though because yay joy.
Here’s a bit about Vanilla Rose:
– She’s been on her joruney to self-discovery in non-monogamy and BDSM/Kink/Leather.
– She is a Black heterosexual woman with pansexual leanings
– She is a Christ follower
– She is on the Aromantic spectrum
– Solo Polyamorous with Relationship Anarchy leanings.
Now that you know a bit about Vee, let’s define some terms and get through FAQ before we dive into the interview portion eh? Please note that this conversation was recorded back in June and is in it’s natural flow so we hop, skip & jump all over the place.
Aromantic: a person who has no little to no interest in or desire for romantic relationships Is aromantic and asexual the same thing?: Nope! You can be both aromantic and asexual but they do not mean the same thing. Aromantic people experience little to no romantic attraction, and asexual people experience little to no sexual attraction. Where can I find information about aromanticism?: Lucky for you guys there is this handy dandy website that has information there. https://www.aromanticism.org/ We also include some diagrams with definitions and relevant ideas to the conversation throughout the show notes.
Leh we go!
Her journey in non-monogamy sort of starts with her having dated multiple people but never got into the whole relationship thing, more like a perpetual talking/friends with benefits sort of stage.
She only went to monogamy due to someone she considers “her first love” asking her to date them exclusively and she did that. She ghosted all her other people just to be with this dude! Don’t worry though, that story has a happy ending
Vee really had to explain to Jhen the difference between “talking” and “kicking it” cause she was not hip with the lingo.
We talked a bit about serial monogamy, connecting with people through monogamy and how we feel about that. It gets a bit deep to be honest.
After things ended with her first love, she tried another relationship that didn’t work out and then lost her dad and took a 10 year dating break after which she tried monogamous dating again and..it did not go well
Fast forward to a friend putting her into a singles group that ended up having people who were in the lifestyle. She met a gentleman who was into kink and poly and helped kick start her research and learning about the lifestyle
Vee explains her identifiers to us and talks to us about how her identities intersect and goes into a bit of detail about how love and aromanticism showed up in her life.
Vee realised her aromanticism as a child but didn’t have the vocabulary for it. She just discovered that term a few months ago.
We all agree that a house husband baby making machine is what we all need. Well…Sham is the house husband and Jhen has some ideas of how that’s supposed to work that does not quite fit the mold. We agree polyamory fixes all of our ideas about it.
“I am not anti-romanticism. I’m i’m not anti-marriage and i’m not anti-monogamy. I am very pro whatever is authentic to you”
Vee is also not looking to be a sister wife or to be anybody’s spouse the way we traditionally understand these terms to be used. She wants the intimacy that is natural to the relationship and not something forced up us by society.
She enjoys sex but has intimate connections that don’t even include sex because that is only one kind of intimacy.
She really just needs friendship in all her partnerships. Her relationship style is definitely Egalitarian.
“Get out my pussy, I can do what I want.”
Interested in having a girlfriend but trying to figure out the whole romantic part out. She just wants to cuddle and rub some booty. That’s it. Jhen has taken her up on this girlfriend offer. Sham is writing the cuddling contract.
We talk about being touch starved and skin hungry. Thank you COVID.
Access to language is super important and helps society to see us and for us to see ourselves.
Ooop we skim the religious component to relationships and monogamy and even talk a little bit about porn being the exact opposite of what we’ve been taught is supposed to happen in relationships.
“The thing that I’ve really enjoyed the most about non-monogamy is the pushing of open, honest communication…[monogamy] they just don’t allow for you to be openly and honestly communicating with the person that you’re supposed to be the most intimate with…In unhealthy relationship cultures, you don’t have a mind. You only have one mind, that’s why the two become one.”
We definitely dive DEEP into communication and unhealthy relationship cultures.
Vee and Jhen are both friend jealous. Twinning.
Mono/Poly configurations comes up. Wanna know what helped us formulate our episode idea for Season 2 Episode 1? This conversation. We also talk about ambiamory.
Oh Honey! Honey is her longest partner. They’ve been together for like 4 years. The majority of her partners are also partnered btw.
Vee is a Christ follower who loves the Lord and loves sex. She has not had much of a conflict between her faith and her lifestyle which she attributes to maybe having coming into the lifestyle older.
Does a physical act determine your orientation? We don’t think so but our culture does like to pigeonhole people.
“We do not get to impose what identity we want on people and then get to say we’re accepting and open minded.”
Penises are Vee’s favourite. All the penis.
She is open to all opportunities.
Wants a long term relationship and is open to a commitment or handfasting ceremony. We talk a bit about a couple that Vee saw in a triad group and the triad that was on House Hunters.
There are no visible Aromantic people in the Black community that Vee has seen. You are able to find some Asexual POC and Intersex POC but not Aromantic. At the end of the day, she just wants people to accept and respect her.
Did we mention that Vee can have sex with someone that she doesn’t necessarily like? That’s a thing. Different types of attraction are a thing too.
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