Episode 02-08: Let’s Get Consent!
This week, because September is Consent Month, we bring back Zach Budd who is a friend of the podcast and a consent educator!
Zach was previously on Episode 01-28: PolyKink 101 – Z Marks The Spot, so you can hear all about his life story and journey in non-monogamy and kink there. He also mentions a bit about his work as a consent educator.
He has been a consent educator for 4 years
You can find Zach on Twitter, Instagram, His Website or The A.B.M. Podcast
- First thing’s first, let’s thank Zach’s love for having something else going on so he could be with us. Thank you love!
- First thing’s first, we have him start us off by defining consent. The basic dictionary definition of it is VERY broad. It is a verb and a noun and happens around us all the time.
- We ask him about the relationship between consent and boundaries. Basically the boundary is the line to which you will consent to and if someone goes over the line, your consent changes.
- Boundaries are self drawn and are meant to work with/protect YOU but you should not create boundaries/set rules for other people.
- Zach mentions some ways in which consent and boundaries can present in non-monogamy and kink
- If you haven’t sat and talked about consent, do you really understand it??
- Zach CALLS OUT some folks who have had a lifetime of getting away with things and thinking that they have never violated consent or that the world has been designed just for them…y’all know who we are talking about
- There is a reckoning happening in the world and we all know about it.
- We talk about the types of consent through relationships with people and where these violations occur and agree that there is no such thing as a “minor” consent violation and that all violations are just that.
- Only the person whose consent has been violated can decide whether or not it is a “big deal,” you don’t get to decide that someone else has not been violated if they say that they have.
- Jhen brings up how children’s consent is constantly violated and go deeper into the fact that we aren’t allowed to be truly autonomous until we are thrust out of the nest at 18.
- We talk about the balance between protecting children and keeping them safe and allowing them to make their own choices.
“…they’re more busy making them [children] be polite than understanding that by not allowing them to not do something that makes them uncomfortable, they’re raising them to be adults who are terrified to set boundaries because they don’t want to hurt people’s feelings.“– Zach Budd
- Zach is ready to hurt someone’s feelings in a heartbeat. Do not step to him in any kinda way without consent because he will use a spray bottle on you. He said it.
- Zach talks about the reasons why he became a consent educator (spoiler alert: it’s to cover his Black ass) and growing up as a young Black man in Texas.
- Jhen and Zach play around by not saying the obvious
white people are cray cray and are a scourge
- Jhen talks about being a Jhensexual and her Mz. Steal Ya Girl reputation
- Humans are not possessions, just saying.
- Jhen is referencing THIS trailer for A Teacher. She is also bad at names, forgive her.
- RE: The Brad Pitt conversation, that’s from our intro in Episode 02-06: Conversations
- This legal contract analogy works pretty well we think.
- Power dynamics are definitely something to consider when engaging in relationships and consent.
- Sham asks for some clarity on diminished capacity and Zach really gets into some ways that can be presented.
- Private Practice! Holla if you are a Grey’s Anatomy & it’s spinoffs fan. Please also ignore Jhen’s voices. She is very bad at that.
- Really we go into this teacher/student conversation and age gaps.
- Toxic Masculinity hurts EVERYBODY – even the men.
- Very interesting tidbit about the conversation with the SGT. who said that under a certain age, they don’t concern themselves with the sex/gender of the parties involved and handle them the same.
“If you reverse the genders and it’s a problem, then the opposite should be true.”– Zach Budd
- Jhen asks a pretty hairy question as it relates to disabled people and their ability to consent and the perception people have of certain relationships when one partner is disabled.
- Yes Jhen used a lot of TV references in this episode – Glee & Everything’s Gonna Be Okay were the two she mentioned here. Zach does NOT watch TV shows like that.
- Zach suggests some tools we can use to help navigate consent and boundaries.
- 5 Pillars of Consent: InVEST
- Enthusiastic (A clear, enthusiastic HELL YES)
- We are SO afraid of telling people NO that some cultures have come up different ways of talking our way around a no.
“When’s the last time you half-assed your way to the greatest sex of your life?”– Zach Budd
- Zach really didn’t know what Netflix and chill meant. This is a true story
- ‘No means no’ has never been enough.
- (Yes, I even let Zach make fun of me a bit for asking him to come back – Jhen)
- Consent is something that you have to practice every single day.
- Zach sends an apology to The Wife for blowing Sham’s mind too much.
- Jhen spills the beans that Zach will be back soon with another special guest to talk about Kink.
- Jhen made Sham do the edit for the episode AND she finished the show notes by 3pm EST on MONDAY September 21, 2020
Our friends at Yuh Too Bright! launched their website on September 19th, 2020.
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That’s all she wrote friends.