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Episode 02-20: Holiday Gifts

This week, we’re covering gifts gifts and more gifts for Chrismukkwanza! With Hanukkah happening right now and Christmas & Kwanza around the corner, we’ll give you some last minute gift ideas for your polycule. The episode is mostly silly and light hearted and fun so some of these gifts are a bit…out there. Also we both approached the gift thing from different angles so this was interesting.

Also….THIS is the reindeer sweater in question.

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Special shout out to Andrea Martucci and the Shelf Love Podcast because honestly! What’s not to love about Andrea??


Episode 02-20 Transcript

Jhen: A holiday, dun dun dun dun dun dun, and then it’s, I’m about to be what it’s Christmahanukwanzakah time. 

Sham: Christmahanukwanzakah. Wow. 

Jhen: Christmahanukwanzakah. That’s the time we’re in right now. Cause you know, Hanukkah is happening, you know, Christmas is around the corner as is Kwanzaa. So it is officially the holiday season. Although it doesn’t feel very holiday this year, does it?  

Sham: yeah. because we can’t do nothing, but you know, you shouldn’t want to do anything. So yeah. 

Jhen:  I mean, I see you got your tree put up. You got a Christmas tree put up at your place. So that was nice. 

Sham:  Oh yeah. We’re trying to do as much at home Christmas stuff as possible, since we can do as much as go out and celebrate. So, we went kind of hard on the tree this year and by we I mean the wife, because I didn’t really do much. I plugged in lights and that’s about it. 

Jhen: Yes. But I mean, that’s more than a lot of people do. So cheers to you. Y’all have a tree. Y’all doing the thing. I have not had a Christmas tree at any of my houses in Florida. Now that I think about it, it’s like not what we do. And then when I lived in New York… Did we do a Christmas tree when I lived in New York? I don’t think so. So I have not had a Christmas tree in a place that I have lived in for many years. Just because I don’t want to put in all the effort and the energy. 

Sham: So the second it became your responsibility it just went out. 

Jhen: Correct. Absolutely correct. My mom is super into putting up the Christmas tree and doing all that stuff. So I do that stuff with her. For me, it’s like the family experience, and on my own it’s I don’t really care as much. 

Sham: That just means you have someone to come to your house and put up a tree one day and put it back. 

Jhen: Yeah. And then they got to come back and take it down too. Cause I’m not gonna do that either. 

Sham: Yeah, of course. I’m already not looking forward to that. We might like to have the tree up for half the year. 

Jhen: I mean Christmas in July is a thing, right? We talked about this.

Sham: It might, it might just be next year. We will see. 

Jhen:  We’ll have to wait and see for sure. Because the holidays are here, you know, we just had that Thanksgiving thing. That food holiday in the US and Christmahanukwanzakah is here. We’re preparing for the holidays and we’re going to help you find the right gifts for your polycule. I think. Well, will it be the right gift? Well, here’s some gift  suggestions, just some guidelines and possible ideas of what you can get for your polycule. Before we dive into that, of course we have to thank a special sponsor Altplayground. We all know that it’s the season, but it’s the season for naughtiness to. So if you need a break from the holiday stresses, like putting up the tree, buying the presents that we’re going to tell you to buy in this episode, hop on over to Altplayground.net, cause between the big wall, which is full of sexy photos and awesome entertainment from over 20 sex positive podcasts, like us. And fun features, like the video chatting, which we’ve talked about many times before on here. You’ll find a way to decompress and get back into a central mindset, which probably will put you in a better mood for the rest of the holiday season. Don’t you think? So you need a break. You’ll want to get a little naughty hop on over to Altplayground.net And take advantage of all the amazing things that we have to offer. And of course you can pop over into our community, and remember don’t have any holiday lights set up, but I don’t know maybe I wrapped myself in a bow and post it on there. 

Sham:  I support it! 

Jhen: So check out, Altplayground.net today. If you haven’t signed up already, what are you waiting for? Go ahead. Get to it. Because it’s got much bigger and better things in store for 2021 altplayground.net. {Boom} Do that. See, I did that. I did that boom at the end. 

Sham: Good job. Put a nice little bow on it.

Jhen: Right. You wrap it up with a bow like myself, you know what I should do? I should get like the lights, like if I’ve seen that video where you wrap the person up in lights, not in a restrictive way, but in a kind of sexy way. Yeah. 

Sham: I think I’ve seen one or two. I’m always worried, like isn’t it hot? Is it not dangerous? Is it a hazard? Maybe not anymore because of the new LED, but back in the day though it was like old glass ones? 

Jhen: Oh my God. Do you remember those big bulb ones that we used to have? Like now the bulbs are smaller of course. I mean LED, but when we were kids, they were a little dangerous.

Sham: So dangerous. 

Jhen: Alrighty guys. Let’s not get too ahead of ourselves. I’m Jhen.  

Sham: I’m Sham, and we’re Monogamish

Jhen: I was thinking about gifts and so I went to the socials for ideas. I messaged people. I didn’t really message people. I posted in some of the non-monogamous groups. What are the best gifts that you’ve received? What are some gifts you’re interested in receiving? Um, are you even doing gifts this year? Cause it is, you know, the pandemic da Rona has taken over the entire year of 2020. And a lot of people were like, “Oh yeah! We’re still doing some gifts. We’re still doing some things But of course, nothing crazy because usually we do trips and experiences.” 

Sham: And all this stuff and canceled.

Jhen: Oh, it’s all canceled. That is, unless you were in New Zealand or Australia, that shit is not happening for you, bro. It’s just not happening at all. So we all agree that 2020 looks very, very different than what it usually does. And even the idea for long distance partners, like traveling across the country, some people don’t feel comfortable with that. So how do you navigate this crazy new world in which we live in? When you’re not supposed to physically be close to the people that you love the most, if they don’t live in the same house as you, how do we navigate that Sham? How do we bridge that gap? 

Sham: I don’t know how we navigate it, I just know however you’re doing it, It’s not going to be fun. It could be fun, It’s just not what we’re used to. Sorry, let me try to be positive. You try your best. That’s how you navigate. 

Jhen:  Yes, you try your absolute best. And I will say that a lot of people talked about catering their presents and gifts to their partners’ particular tastes. Which is something that we always agree with. Of course, you don’t want to get someone a gift that’s for you. Unless it’s sex-related in which case, maybe. You don’t want to get someone a gift they’re not going to enjoy. So at the end of everything, we of course want to say, choose the gifts that are best for your particular partner. If you know what they like, then you get them what they like.

Don’t get them some weird ass shit that you found out on this podcast. If it’s not up their alley just don’t even do it. But the first gift that I want to suggest is for people who live in the same home as each other. So whether you’re nested with like several members of your polycule, or are in a bubble together, I think that we should make it a game. You know, we all play cards against humanity and stuff like that? I think we should make it like a sexy, fun intimate game and at the end of it, you win certain prizes from your significant other. Like  a massage or someone does the dishes. You know, we’re all at home, right? We’re all in this bubble together. We just gotta make it *Fun* So when you give out these massage cards, it’s like, “This entitles you to one free massage”, but we make it a game because we’re competitive.

Sham: That is kind of brilliant because if you’re nested with say three, four partners or however many. If you get a game, like an actual board game, that’s for that many people, that’s kind of the perfect gift for everybody because it’s something you can all do together. And it’s also, you know, it’s a game, something fun, but of course, you know, the sexy version works too. 

Jhen: Yep. That’s mine. Sham, what’s your first gift option? 

Sham: My first gift option. Well, let’s see. I scoured a different part of the internet. I went on Reddit. I went on social media. I did some Googling and came up with some stuff. I just went into the old noggin’ and saw what I  was able to come up with. So my first gift for a poly situation, which would only really work if you’re nested, I guess, would be Christmas themed. And it’s weird for a gift card. I think about it because this will be for Christmas, but you know, if you have a third or someone who’s not a primary or so on, something to establish that they’re a part of this whole whatever. So I was thinking, Christmas stockings. Just have them with all the people in the house there so that you establish that the entire polycule lives here. You have one for you, me, and anyone else that’s there, even if they’re not even for not nested, just having it there in the house is a nice statement I think. 

Jhen: Yes, of course. You know, stockings are very cute. I like that. I mean, do you do stockings at your house? We never did. 

Sham:  We don’t do them right now, but that would be something I would come up with. It would be nice to come home to see three stockings. That would be cute or whatever. And I guess that can go for all similar things like that, matching for our members of the polycule. We’ll kind of establish that we are all one big happy family, not necessarily family, but one something.

Jhen:  So my next gift is taking care of something for your partner that you’re worried about. Especially now in the pandemic, they’re trying to complete some stuff. Like I said these, some of my gifts are a lot more like handling things, or like taking things off your partner’s plate as well as competency, or experiences, whatever. If it’s something financial and you can afford it, just pay for some shit for your partner. Obviously, if it’s something they want to pay for, for themselves, that’s very different. But try to ease their burdens a little bit, because we are all struggling, sure as shit in this bitch. So if you know your partner is trying to get through something or really wants this experience virtually, or something to plan for 2021, just take care of it. That’s nice. 

Sham: That’s a very grown up gift, I’ll give you that. And, you know, coming off my very childish gift, but yeah, that would make sense. I don’t even know what to say, like taking care of something for them. That could also be an establishing thing of once one of us is in trouble, both are in trouble. So you should come here for your worries. And you know, we are here to ease your worries together or apart or whatever it is.

Jhen: Yes. Okay. What’s next on your list?

Sham: Okay. So now this one comes directly from Reddit and it is kind of crazy. Okay. Now this is one of the ones we’re going to put as no one’s probably going to actually do this, but I just had to share it because it exists. And it’s not the one you’re thinking of. There are more than one crazy ones, which is crazy to say. but I’m going to start with. It’s a house, but not like…

Jhen:  Not like getting a whole house? What?

Sham: It’s a mini house for your polycule. For example, it’s a couple and they have kids in the main house. So they built a secondary house on which to entertain any guests.

Jhen: So like a She-Shed?

Sham: Kind of like a She-Shed. 

Jhen: Or like an in-law suite, but just for your polycule. 

Sham: That’s the idea. I mean, you need a considerable amount of money, correct? But just think of what you could do, because especially in a situation where you have kids or whatever. (And you know, kids ruin everything) I’m not going to say that out loud, just in case we have one, one day. Knock on wood or whatever. 

Jhen: They do run everything. It’s okay. 

Sham: Yes. Well, just to have a separate space, just for whomever, it may be where we go to do our stuff. But the list of names that I found in the comments were: a bang barn, a shag shed, a hump-hut, a fuck-hut, and the love shack. 

Jhen: Yeah. Oh, love that. Good B52’s reference. Alrighty. So you build a love shack in your yard, assuming that you have yard space.

Sham:  Wait one more:  The Stabbin Cabin

Jhen: Of course the Stabbin Cabin. We’ll roll with that. This next one for me is not a stabbin cabin. Just throwing that out there. So I asked this question in the group, right?

And so Kevin Patterson, @polyrolemodels actually posted a gift that he had gotten from a partner. It was an advent calendar, but his advent calendar was a Chewbacca advent calendar. So the year before his partner made him an R2D2 one. I guess it’s because they’re both huge Star Wars fans. I had no idea what an advent calendar was before these sorts of conversations. But, wow. The fact that your partner just made this thing, very specifically Christmasy, and for you at the same time was hella dope. So what I will say is that a very specifically themed advent calendar could be sexy, could be like a shared interest of yours. That is something that I think would be cute. 

Sham: I hope there is someone who reads the show notes before listening to the podcast and they just see 4. Chewbacca advent calendar. And it’s just like, “What, what is this? How, how did this come up as a gift?” I mean, your explanation makes perfect sense, but it’s just seeing the words Chewbacca advent calendar with no explanation would be amazing in whatever context that someone just decides to read the show notes. Like “I’ll listen to the episode later, so I’m just going to read and see if I can get any quick gift ideas now.” And, uh, that was the first one. I guess I should move on to my next gift. Which should I start with the crazy one? No, not a crazy one yet. I’m going to call it a tease, ladies and gentlemen. 

Jhen: Right, the tease.

Sham: An idea that I read it like is art, but not just like random art. Because there’s a lot of black artists out there who can either give you a proper painting, or drawing,in a certain style. So I liked the idea of a painting or drawing of the polycule. So you get a stylized version of your relationship that sets out in an artistic way into something that represents the however many there are of you. So even if it’s three people over here, two people over there, or here is Bob by himself because he’s a weirdo, but he’s still a part of us somehow. So I think something like that, it’s a unique gift because everyone likes to feel included and it’s also just a cool picture to hang in your house.

You could, if you’re not all nested, could do one for each household or whatever. And then if you want, you can make it less romantic looking in case you want people that come over and see it and be like, “Oh, what’s that?” It’s like, “Oh, it’s just a cool picture of some people, you know, I thought it looked nice up in my house.”

So yeah, I think that could be a great gift and it’s very nice.  I think it’d be a cool reveal. Yes. Open it. I was like, “Oh wait, it’s us.” But in a cool art style and also in a frame and yeah, good stuff. 

Jhen: I’m picking up what you’re putting down. That’s great. I’m on board with that. Let me see, what do I want to choose as my next gift? Okay. So this is not like a specific Christmas thing. Actually this came up when I was talking to a couple of people from one of my poly groups. We talked about, uh, the stealing of hoodies, right? You’ve got to be wondering what’s that to do with anything. But of course we steal hoodies with consent, whatever.  And one of them talked about a trade-off. You steal my hoodie and you wear it until it smells like you, and then we trade it back, you know? Especially for long distance partners, this would also be really helpful. I mean, obviously the U.S. mailing system is a fucking shit show right now. But you get a special hoodie and you wear it for whatever period of time, and then you send it to your partner. And because it smells a lot like you, and that way they can feel like they’re being close to you and wrapped in a warm hug when they’re wearing it. Also maybe send at whatever fragrance you usually like to wear with it, so that way they can re-up a little bit and if they need to, before they send it back.

Sham: Now that does sound sweet, but I don’t know how this works. I don’t wanna know how the, uh, usual, I don’t want to say just women cause I probably men steal them too, and with LGBTQ relationships. But, isn’t stealing part of the fun? I don’t know. Is it having the hoodie or is it taking what was not yours? Because I know that’s a big part of the whole hoodie situation is that, you gotta take it from them. 

Jhen: Like I said, that’s more for like an in-person situation, but if you’re stuck apart from your partner, then this is something that I think would be a good idea. 

Sham: What you could do is take a picture of you sitting and the hoodies or stick on the couch somewhere. That’s like, “Oh no, I’m not looking. I hope nobody steals this hoodie.” So they still get that level of excitement that, “Oh, I stole this hoodie and now it’s mine.” Or you could put in the card because you know what, it’s not always stealing. Sometimes it’s just, “Oh, you can borrow this hoodie because you’re cold right now.” And then it just never comes back. So you can just send them a card. Here’s my hoodie. You see them cold, you can borrow it for like a week or two or whatever, and then just, just never get it back. 

Jhen: Alrighty, what’s next on your list? 

Sham: I mentioned experiences before and, you know, that’s kind of hard to do with these days, but I do really like the idea of a vacation. So perhaps a socially distanced vacation of some sort, tickets to go. I think it’s to go somewhere. There must be some hotel or an Airbnb or sometime, for a weekend getaway where you don’t have to actually be around people and be a super spreader.  So a trip where all of you can be together for either during the holiday or some other time, but the gift can be the tickets or the booking or whatever. And that works if you’re not nested too, because if you can just send them like, “Oh next, next month we will be spending this time together.” That’s always a good idea.

Jhen: A staycation, of course, a lot of protocols that have to go into place for that. Lots of testing for traveling by plane. It’s also a whole other thing, we know that COVID-19 makes traveling long distances, very, very, very inconvenient.

Sham: So that’s all thinking, not necessarily out of American or out of state. Jamaica’s a lot easier because you can drive to anywhere with a beach in like two hours, but a good beach at least. So for the U.S. it might be a little more difficult. 

Jhen: Well, it depends on what state you live in. Florida is a hella long state. From where I am to like getting out of Florida’s borders is probably about eight hours. 

Sham: Yeah. No. So you find somewhere close like Miami?

Jhen: Oh, God, no, never Miami. I would just not be going anywhere. It’d be at my house. Okay? 

Sham: My bad. What’s the good Florida? Fort Lauderdale? 

Jhen: Nope. When you find what I find it, I will tell you what the good Florida is. 

Sham: Oh God, then a really long car ride to some other better state, I guess.

Jhen: Yes, of course. So my next gift idea is also an experience, but it is a spa experience. I know what you’re thinking. We just talked about safety protocols, but sometimes people just need a little bit of pampering pressure. And again, I recommend doing everything with proper social distance guidelines, proper protocols and precautions in place, but it doesn’t even have to be a spa experience for right now. It can be a spa experience for Valentine’s day. Like we’re setting this up for Valentine’s day. And until then here’s some luxury spas that you can prep with at home. You know what I mean? 

Sham: That could work. Yeah. I get what you’re saying. It’s kind of risky. Because I was saying you could get a masseuse to come to the house, but then you have to worry about the masseuse and testing them. And masks… 

Jhen: This episode proves how paranoid we are. Think about all these things. How do we make in-person connections between  partners who do not live in the same house together? This holiday season, like how do we do that? Like, Do we drive these long distances to get to each other? Do we take the risk and fly? You know what I mean? It’s just like, how do we navigate these spaces and how have people been navigating these spaces? Because, as a single person, I don’t have to deal with any of this shit. Or people who are dating other people, like this is hard! This is really hard on them. I know the wear and tear on your relationship, knowing that you usually spend a certain amount of time together and you feel like you can’t, or you don’t feel safe too is a lot. 

Sham: Yeah, definitely because, it’s just like when you used to doing these things together or in a group or whatever, and are just trying to figure out how to do that now in this whole new kind of terrible world. What does that look like? It’s hard to say.

Jhen: It looks like Wookie advent calendars, and shipping a hoodie across state lines to feel like you’re being hugged by your partner. And it looks like buying their favorite cologne or paying a bill or whatever for them just to give them one less thing to worry about. 

Sham: All right. I think I’m gonna go to my next one. And this one is going to get a little crazy, but I’m going to start out normal because there is technically a normal version of this gift. Now holiday sweaters, everybody loves them, right? You know, the ugly Christmas sweaters. It’s a thing. People like to have holiday Christmas with holiday parties, although you can’t have them this year, but it can still be about the sweaters. Cause it’s just a cool thing. It’s a funny gift. So why not get one that is themed to your relationship.  So perhaps with the infinity heart, that’s a nice one. Or an amalgamation of all your faces on them or something that kind of represents your relationship. Now, one particular throuple on Reddit decided they were going to represent their relationship on a Christmas sweater, with a depiction of three reindeer. And these three reindeer were, um, how would I put it? I sent it to Jhen… 

Jhen: Fucking, they were fucking. The reindeers were fucking, 

Sham: But not just any kind of fucking, so all three of these reindeers were male. And they did a Russian nesting doll thing, where there is one reindeer at the front, and then that reindeer is getting fucked, and then the reindeer in the middle was also getting fucked. So, yeah. 

Jhen: Like a pile drive? 

Sham: Yeah. I don’t know what you call that or the actual word. I know it’s position. It’s just don’t know what the official name for it is. 

Jhen: I’m sure there’s a name for it. I just don’t know, hmm… But yes the top reindeer was fucking the middle reindeer who was fucking the bottom reindeer. That’s what it was.That’s just be graphic about this here.

Sham: So not necessarily that exact sweater for you maybe, but something akin to that for your polycule, especially for Christmas. That’s a perfect Christmas gift. But, similar to the stocking, it’s something you’d want before Christmas. So maybe it’s an early Christmas present or something to give at the start of the month. So holiday themed apparel with a representation of your relationship, whatever that may be, it may be three reindeers fucking. Again, it may not, who’s to say? 

Jhen: Who is to say? 

Sham: Not here to judge, we’re just here to offer ideas.

Jhen:  We’re offering ideas and experiences for people who are not quite sure what they’re going to give their partners for the holidays. I think that the greatest gift that you can give someone is love, whatever form your love takes, that is the gift that you give that person. And not only if you’re a broke bitch,  you give people love when they deserve it, where you need it. Everyone is deserving of love, but you know what I mean? Like give people love. I can’t top that. I think that we should just end the gift suggestions on this fucking reindeer sweater because you guys know all of my other gift ideas are so soft and so sweet. And so romantic, but you know, actually  there is one. This will be my last one then. Sex toy with an app. You buy the sex toy, you have the app on your phone, you get to control the vibrations and all of the… We’ll link to something in the show notes for you. There are those sex toys that people use for long distance loving or even in the same space where, for example, we know we all know about those vibrating panties, right? People have their partners wear these vibrating panties to restaurants like giving them orgasms in their seat, holding their remote control. Well, we have the technology. Now we can do that shit across state lines, across countries even. The future is wonderful. You just need to have the app on your phone and you guys can schedule some sexy playtime. Maybe your partner’s wearing a Santa hat. Maybe they’re not, maybe they’re wrapped in the lights like we talked about earlier. Maybe there’s a bow involved, who knows? But you guys get to experience this erotic moment together and bring in the holidays with sheer joy. You’re welcome. 

Sham: Well said, well said, Oh, one more cute gift I forgot to say. I’m seeing where we’re leaning here,  for both of us, which makes sense based on our situations, but mine are more in person gifts and yours are more long distance. Or yours are considered more long distance in mind. 

Jhen:  Yeah, I did notice that too.

Sham: But it makes sense because we’re thinking with our own mindset, so we’re going to lean to what we experienced. One cute one I saw it was, giving them their own mug. So it’s not just like the actual mug, but it’s what it represents. And that’s one big thing I think, in any kind of relationship. But I think for poly-relationships, triads other ads. When you have a situation where, there’s the main couple, and then others are added. Those that are added may not feel as a part of the family as they would like to be. And so any gesture that kind of makes them feel that way, is good. So when I saw that they gave their third their own mug, and not that they didn’t have enough amongst in the house,  but it’d be sad if they were just like, “Oh, sorry, we only have two mugs. So you don’t get coffee this morning.” But just having an established mug for them, it could be customized. You could get a set of mugs, but just the fact that, “Oh, this is your mug. It goes right there with our mugs. And whenever you’re here for coffee or whatever.” Whatever people drink out of mugs: coffee, tea, etc.

Jhen: I also drink alcohol out of mugs. 

Sham: So, you know, I’ll drink my coffee and you’ll drink your bourbon and that’s our mornings. 

Jhen:  But that’s good. I mean, especially if they just moved into your space or moved into a space that was previously established as the dyads domicile. That is great. I do appreciate that. That is very sweet. Look at you Sham, coming up with some sweet shit.

Sham: I mean, I can be sometimes when I’m not thinking about reindeer’s fucking. 

Jhen: Oh, Lord, we’re never going to get over that. Okay. Like I said, at the end of the day, you want to get your partner something that works for you, you know them best, you know them better than we do. Some people are like, “Oh, I like a particular sports team. So my partner will always get me paraphernalia for that particular sports team.” If you know your partner likes Harry Potter, then shower them with some Harry Potter shit. I guess that all of this is tuned to what your partners enjoy. So you want you to take that into consideration? Notice we didn’t give you any jewelry suggestions because jewelry’s so passe. I mean, I love jewelry, but I feel that people tend to cover up a lot of meaningful gestures with jewelry. It’s kind of like “Here’s some earrings, here’s a necklace, Here’s a ring.” I know if that can be meaningful, but I also want people not to use that as a default for their lives, unless it’s something super practical, like a tie clip. 

Sham: Or I think we said it’s around Valentine’s day, something similar to this where I’d said, matching jewelry or jewelry that kind of represents a relationship. And that seems to be a big thing with me, the infinity heart or three matching stones or a triangle or something. Or triad or quad or whatever, something that links your entire relationship together. So if it’s seven of y’all then something with seven. The seven dwarves?

Jhen: I don’t think that that’s appropriate. No, I don’t think the seven dwarves are into the same things that we’re into. But then again, you never know. 

Sham: What if you, somehow by not leaving your apartment, somehow you get seven boyfriends. And then you’re just like, okay. 

Jhen: Sounds very unlikely. First of all, you expect me to like seven whole men at the same time. Wow. 

Sham: It’s a crazy thought, but let’s just see. Okay maybe one’s got a good dick, maybe one eats pussy well, one’s got a lot of money, one’s got, uh, what else is my news for? Damn. I should know this! One like’s the bachelorette, one reads, one likes soccer? Just grasping here…

Jhen: Like I said, what are seven whole men going to do for me? 

Sham: You know what? It could be seven women. The dwarves were dudes but who cares? 

Jhen: Yeah. Seven women. Absolutely. There are many things that seven women could do for me. Okay, I have seven girlfriends there you go. 

Sham: Even just going through the names, it’s like, “Okay, you’re dopey.” I was like, “Why am I dopey?”

Jhen:  He’s got a dope, duh.

Sham: Oh, Oh, that’s perfect. See? You’re already making this work. 

Jhen: Gosh, like I said, the holidays were making us all a little bit crazy, a little bit loco. And obviously this is a shorter episode this week, just because we didn’t want to bog it down with other super serious conversations about polyamory, but you should definitely check out our, if you’re not a patron, you should check out our Patreon. There is a belated November episode that’s going up. Uh, obviously something happens like halfway through our recording and it is that 30 minutes of pure joy, and includes a story about a Grinch fetish. And you guys definitely want to be hearing that. So you go to patreon.com/monogamishpod. That’s how you find us, because we’re an 18 plus platform, you search for us in that way. And you can listen to that episode and sham and I talk a lot of… 

Sham: It’s a more unhinged conversation. There are fewer rules. There’s less chaos, like the hurricane in my background right now there’s less structure. It’s just more of us being ourselves and just waxing poetic about something and having fun. So it’s a lot more fun. It’s a lot more, if you like us? I would think you’d like us. If you like us, that’s the best place you can get more of us being us. 

Jhen: Yes. Get more us vs. us. That’s the place. And of course you can find us on Twitter and Instagram @monogamishpod, Facebook @monogamishpod. I did post a story on our Instagram on Sunday, where I was kind of like “yo bitches, I’m struggling as fuck I’m reading books. Cause I got a lot going on and I’ve read two novellas. One of which is an erotic Santa short.” So that was important. Yeah, it was an erotic Santa novel. Guys, I’ll tell you the story, I’m going to tell you the story before we get to the end of the episode. It’s an erotic story about Santa, but it’s not old ass Santa, as we know him. Right? He’s the new Santa on the block. So like his family are THE Santas, right? So his dad was a Santa, his mom was a Santa…

Sham: Oh yeah, that’s Arthur Christmas. I think it was, yeah, it was like “here all the Santas.”

Jhen: Exactly! His older brother was the last Santa. So he takes over as Santa because his older brother’s like “Fuck it! I’m retiring to Florida with my wife. This is a thing.” So he’s a single Santa, he’s out there delivering gifts and he happens upon a house with a divorcee and, um, they bang. They bang. There’s spanking there, there is sleigh fucking, and I had a great time. I had a great time reading it and I enjoyed it. And if you guys think this appeals to you too, I will still put the link in our show notes. So you guys can see… What was it called again? That would help. Cause I don’t remember the name of anything these days.

Sham: The easiest name to remember is Santa Baby.

Jhen:  Well, it was called The Naughty List by Ellie Mae MacGregor. So that was a fun one. If you guys want a fun Christmas erotic Santa novel to read, then that’s the one for you. And there is a promo thing that I saw for it that made me die laughing. I laughed so hard. I don’t think you understand how much I laughed when I saw the promo for this. It was pretty much, she was like “Jingle my balls”. Not like exactly, but also like pretty much.

Sham: And once again we have ruined Christmas.

Jhen: We have not ruined Christmas, we made it more interesting. It is fine. I don’t understand why people are so weird about Santa fucking.

Sham: It reminds me about a tweet you know, Santa baby? **Sings Santa Baby** Yes. There’s a couple of tweets now complaining about a male version of that song. A cis-hetero version of the song where, I think it’s Michael Bublé who does a Christmas album, and he puts that song on it, but he calls it Santa Buddy. Which, as a Jamaican is funny, but he’s just like “Hey pal, could you give me a gift?” And so some people are just like, “Hey! Hey! This song is about wanting to fuck Santa. Okay? It is not about you trying to be friends with Santa. Santa is not your pal. No, you need to get on board that we’re here to fuck Santa. If you’re not here to fuck Santa, then don’t be singing Santa baby in any way. 

Jhen:  Wow. That’s wild. Okay. No, I found the thing. So let me read the description to you. So Kate 40 and flirty single mom, romance reader, curves for days, #HornyforSanta, Nikolai, Cinnamon rolls Santa, thick thighs, #singleandreadytojingle. Okay, guys, really! Who needs more joy than that? Single and ready to jingle.

Sham: I’ll have to change my Twitter handle again. Wait… I’m not single anymore. Dammit.  

Jhen: No, I’ll change that to match, but my name is single. I’m ready to jingle. That’d be me.

Sham: What should I change mine to?

Jhen: Jingle my balls. Okay guys, that’s it. I’m done now. You’ve got the horny reindeer sweater and now we’re single and ready to jingle my balls and yeah. Okay. This is a great episode. Thanks for listening.

Sham: Yeah. I hope you enjoy it as much as we have. And you know, I hope we didn’t ruin your Christmahanukwanzakah.

Jhen: Yeah, the Christmahanukwanzakah. We hope it didn’t ruin your Christmahanukwanzakah, but like I said, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Patreon, for sure you guys want to hear that Grinch story? SoundCloud, we upload our three most recent episodes, of course if you search for @monogamishpod. Big shout out to anchor.fm for hosting our podcast. Shout out to yuhtoobright.com. You can put in code “monogamish” you get 10% off your order. They have great hoodies, sweaters, leggings. They have other clothes too, but it’s winter bitch! You need those warm shits. And we also want to give a special shout out to Andrea Martucci from the Shelf love podcast. Is that everything that I forgot?

Sham: I think that’s everything. 

Jhen: Wait, wait. I forgot the other thing. Monogamishpod.com, our website.

Sham:  That’s where you get your detailed show notes. That’s where you’ll find the link to the sexiest reindeer sweater. And also just detailed show notes, everything we talk about here, and in any episode, when Jhen is able. Because you know, sometimes life just gets too much life. 

Jhen:  I’m working on a transcript. Yes, I have transcription software now, so I might be doing complete audio transcripts of the episodes that don’t have complete detailed show notes yet. And for every episode in the future, we’ll see how it works. Cross your fingers. I’ll let you guys know, but yes, back to you, Sham. 

Sham: Yes. So the website, that’s where you find everything about us. That’s where you will  find a link to our merchandise. Our merch, you can find our coolest t-shirts, and we have mugs. 

Jhen: Get Mugged!. We have many mugs. We have travel mugs. We have latte mugs, regular coffee mugs. We have a lot of stuff over that merch shop that I have not updated recently, but you know what guys, the stuff is still there and it’s still good. So y’all should get it. I have a lot of “debauchery, but make it art” shirts and a lot of monogamish paraphernalia of my own, which is not weird at all to have my own merch just saying. 

Sham: I mean, it is your face. So if someone saw you walking down with the one with your face on it, I would be like, “Wait a minute.” They’d have to do a double take. 

Jhen: That actually happens all the time, fun fact. 

Sham: “Is that you on the shirt?” One day, when you come back to Jamaica, we just need to do a side-by-side. So we can just do like, look up there, look down, then look back up and look down because your boobs are also there, but then look back up… 

Jhen: Yes. It’s the same people and the same us. Okay. And of course, shout it out one last time for our friends at where Sham?

Sham: At altplayground.net. You know, we said all these funny things, the fun things you can do there before, sexy place, get you stuff at Altplayground.net 

Jhen:  So one time for the one time I’m Jhen, 

Sham: I’m Sham, and we’re Monogamish.